Odd Man Rush

The MLS All Star Game is tonight.  I’ll bet you didn’t know that.  Not a huge surprise.  I’d advise you to flip over and watch it, but I’m not sure I want to expose you to the many flaws that embody soccer in the United States.  You see, the MLS All Star Game smacks of desperation.  Allow me to enumerate the ways that this event is flawed.

1. The Match

The MLS big-wigs want to insult your intelligence.  They want you to believe that this league is just as good as those leagues across the pond that get all of the attention, those bastards.  That’s why they have the All Star Team (that’s right, it’s singular) play one of those vaunted teams.  The fact that it’s 2-1 at the half and our boys are leading is supposed to encourage you that, yes, the MLS is inhabited by a bunch of superstars.  What they don’t want you to know is that this team they’re playing (this year, it’s West Ham United) is actually in its preseason.  Early in its preseason.   This is easily the game’s biggest flaw and also a Catch-22 for MLS executives.  No matter what the result, the MLS comes out looking bad.  Another way to say that is that they are exposed.  If MLS wins, it doesn’t matter because they’re supposed to win.  If they lose, it’s absolutely terrible, because these guys are All-Stars.  The problem is, this set-up is the only way anybody pays attention to the match at all.  If they did it in the traditional manner (West vs. East), the vast majority of fans wouldn’t know who to cheer for.  At least those of us who care about soccer in the US can rally behind a single team.  Let’s not even mention that the MLS probably doesn’t have enough talent to make two teams that could be legitimately considered All-Stars.  In fact, let’s just move on.

2. The Telecast

The MLS thinks it’s doing itself a favor by getting its matches onto ESPN.  I think they’re shooting themselves in the foot, mainly because nobody at the four-lettered network has any respect for the game.  Hockey has a chance at making a legitimate comeback because there are anchors like Linda Cohn and John Buccigross that (thankfully) force the sports world to pay attention.  Soccer doesn’t have anybody like that at ESPN.  Soccer topics on opinion shows like PTI, Around the Horn, and others are openly mocked.  The telecast suffers as a result.  ESPN thinks they’re adding credibility by putting broadcasters like Eric Wynalda in the booth, but in reality it hurts more than helps.  Wynalda is an MLS fanboy who has spent the last 45 minutes in my living rooms ooh-ing and ah-ing over the MLS roster as if I’m going to suddenly agree with him that yes, the MLS is by far the best thing that has ever happened to soccer.  Additionally, they’ve got this Norm Chad-type who does weird and unnecessary segments at odd times during the match, further sucking credibility away from the entire sport.  If MLS execs had any pride, or any other options, they would stay away from ESPN.  Herein lies the problem, once more: they have no choice.  It’s either get in bed with a network that doesn’t respect them, or don’t be seen or heard.    

3. The MLS Itself

Answer me this: How is the MLS different from other, better leagues?  Don’t say that it sucks more, because that’s not what I’m getting at.  Sure, it’s a lot younger than those other leagues, so it’s got less history.  Players don’t want to stay in the league, often using it as a stepping stone to more money, fame, and by the way, better teammates.  But here’s what I’m getting at: the MLS has done nothing to distinguish itself.  Sure, it’s nice that soccer is an international game that is played the same way everywhere, but if that’s the case, why do we have all of these leagues?  Surely geography isn’t – or maybe it shouldn’t be – the only answer.  Frankly, the way the MLS so badly wants to be a European league is embarrasing.  I live in Dallas, so I cheer for FC Dallas, but FC?  Really?  How is that American?  We don’t even have an official mascot anymore.   So what can be done?  Like before, there’s a Catch-22 involved.

For years, soccer leagues in America came and went.  Nobody really believed that any of them were here to stay.  The great Lamar Hunt, among others, brought us the first soccer league in a long time with any staying power, which is a good thing, despite all of my complaints in this post.  Evidence of MLS’ potential can be found in the relative financial success of the existing teams, especially in regards to building soccer-specific stadiums.  Things are looking up, but not in a Chicago Cubs "We haven’t won in 100 years but now we have a legitimate shot" kind of way.  No, it’s more of a Texas Rangers "We were supposed to have a crappy team but it’s actually a bit better than mediocre so let’s try to shovel it down all of the fans’ throats" kind of success.  Texas Rangers fans know exactly what I’m talking about.  Every July that we end up around .500, it seems like management throws the plan out the window and decides to go for it, despite the fact that we’re 10.5 games out with 60 to play.  In the same way, the MLS seems content to say "We got Beckham, come see us play!" and do nothing about the problems, whether real or perceived, that Americans have with the game.  I don’t want to suggest specific solutions here, mostly because the game would end up looking a lot like the recently folded Major Indoor Soccer League, but the MLS needs to do something.  Right now they have bigger Penis Envy than Texas A&M, and on top of that, they’re unwilling to listen to what Americans want from the game.  Innovative ways to increase scoring is a start (Maybe take some cues from the [gasp] NHL?).  After that we can worry about team names and other roadblocks to American fanship. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I love the game of soccer.  I really believe that it is a beautiful game, simple and complicated at the same time.  I want so badly for the MLS to pull through and convert the haters, but it has some serious problems if it continues to refuse to distinguish itself from our neighbors across the pond.   The All-Star game, which tries so hard to hide the MLS’ problems, ends up exposing them, and that’s not going to gain many fans.